Tortured · Soul · Complex

For you people who haven't died of waiting for me. Please visit my new site @ http://erwinssecretblog.blogspot.com yeap. That's where I'll be posting from now on until LiveJournal decides to let us customize our own pages. Then maybe you'll have to journey back here with me. Till then, it's sayonara to this place. And arigato for all the wonderful memories. See you there people.

Yours Always,
Erwin Nah Hark Eyan, Lan Xueyuan

This is the end of the road guys and gals. I'm going to stop livejournaling and chronicling this life for you here anymore. I could tell you how much I've come to realise that my words don't mean a thing to anyone or anything. I could tell you how I've run out of time for you, my treasured loyal readers. I could tell you everything and I could tell you nothing (pretty much how it is everday here in ERWIN'S HEAD CO).

But I have no excuses.

I've just decided to stop journaling. And I will no longer be here to entertain you with my love/friend/fling/office life adventures. I am truly sorry.

Nah, just kidding. I'm going to move is all. I can't put up with this site's limited design capability after learning how to design my own webpage. So I'm going to be moving, after 3 years musing to, screaming at and murdering several countless readers here, I'm going to leave it all behind here for a fresh start.

Well, it's not so fresh considering I've got a bunch of other dead/semi-dead blogs floating around in cyberspace. Oh, if I haven't already gotten round to it, I apologise. But I'm not posting the new address here as of yet. I need to get the page up and fully functional for your enjoyment.

Please, have patience. Don't panic, I'll return to get you guys soon. Hmm. I don't sound so sad about anything now do I? Haha.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Need to go out to several people or at least to the readers I know of. First up. Hmmm nah, let's not put this in chronological order. Thank you to isaac (for the invite to this wonderful site), jason (for reading my crap), hui (for recommending me to this and others) & koustav (bitching breakfasts) from 2002. In 2003 and onwards, Joan, Sze Wenn & Andrea, for everything guys. Hope to see all of you again soon, Starbucks, Al Dente or Haagen Daz anyone? 2004 was great too, thanks to Mr. Faiz Law my favouritest squadmate whom I still owe a school uniform to and shall be seeing in NTU's faculty of Communication and Information (is that what the I's for? I can't remember I just call it mass comm most of the time).

The end of 2004 marked the happiest time of my life, and it must definitely be accounted for. Let's see, this is really a tough choice. Thanks to miss Sywn (swyn?) Teo, for listening and sharing. Miss Fang Yuying my former classmate without whom I would not have had the chance to work for (do I still?) Uberture. Thanks thanks. To Madeleine Wan for the drinks & pizzas with Jonathan my colleague, thanks for the movies, tidbits of general (crap) knowledge.

And one last paragraph. Thank yous to Diana, Daphne, Tiffany, Eric, Yijun and Rachel. For every smile given, every question of concern, every present, every time we've attempted to club, every debate over inane and irreverent subject. Popular and well-known are 2 diferent things, glad we cleared that up, now I can understand why people keep telling me I'm well-known for being popular. Haha! No no please no hate-mail I was just kidding.

Eh, you want to blast me cause you hate me? Oh well. Just do it then haha, it is quite fun responding to them. Anyone remember the overkill response, "Why You Are An Idiot: A Treatise On the Mental State of Mr. FA"? Haha, read and laugh here.

You are my becauses. You are the one who just texted me one line, which has brought out the sunlight for me in my windowless gloomy office of doomed dreams. You are the smile I carry, the muse that resides in the corners of my lips. I love you Miss Lin.

And it all ends here.

Erwin Nah

That whenever the day bogs you down with its newfound piece of trouble for you, I emphatise from the love I have for you.

That even when I'm out with my friends you are that which is always on my mind. Thoughts of you are never far off, and still I wake up each morning feeling the same love I have for you.

The sunshine you bring me each morning comes from knowing that I've been given another shot at making it with you. One more day to make you smile at the end of it.

That when you need me I'll always be there for you no matter what. My deeds stand for themselves, even if you don't know every single one.

I love the fact that you know me so well. But I assure you dearie there is more in me you have not seen. More to love of course.

That no matter what I'm never going away (no, not in the psychotic boyfriend kinda way).

That I love you. It's just that. And if you think about it, you'll see how much I do. :-)

That the only reason why you can guess my gifts is because I let my excitement get the better of me. All the more to tease you with a surprise.

That I am willing to make your dreams a reality, especially if the reward is the sight of that beautiful smile that lights up the heavens for me.

That you can count on me always. See chapter on getting your girlfriend to drink her water.

That your heart is safe with me.

You've been the only one who's managed to keep my heart.

You're the only one I thank God for. And pray each night for another night to thank Him for having you with me.

I am enthralled,
Erw1n N4h H48k 3y4n

I blew it. Why is it that when one tries to do good invariably he causes evil? NOOOOoooo (Anakin-style)

sigh. I am attempting to sound cheerful in order not to be bogged down with this. It's amazing how a few words can change your dispostion towards the rest of the day.

one big dilemma with little ones sprinkled on top. like the cocoa balls on yesterday's ice-cream lunch. to eat and be sicker or not.

man oh man,
erwiN naH

today is one of those days when you get so down you drag your feet home and your head feels as heavy as the gathering clouds ripe with their deliveries.

I guess somedays you find yourself down and no one notices because...well, just because.

and everything spirals to leave you numb and unbothered.

till the point where you think of writing a thesis on why people go mad.

some guy on a bike rides to the pedastrian crossing and he pushes the button hard twice. the impatience irks me because I'm irritable right? and I think of just shouting "don't be daft you stupid impatient sod! the road's clear. just cross the damn thing!"

when you're caught on a bad day and you take that step to numb yourself to your inhibitions, becoming beligerent and speaking your angry mind on the moment sounds exceptionally therapeutic, like watching Nigella Lawson whip up something that looks so easy you're tempted to head into the kitchen too.

full stop.
Erwin Nah, a knight without armour.

p.s. maybe the day will end good. one can only hope.

Forgive the lengthy title but there isn't anything much that fills my head when I write my entries. It is highly contrasted to her blog where the mention of me comes in very generic terms. Why do I proclaim my strange affixation (I think it's called love but I'm not too sure I like the name) to this being of utmost girlygoodiness so internetionally?

I don't know. It's possibly because I'd like to utilise every avenue I can to let her know how much I love her. There's that peculiar word again: love. Say it out once like those husky advert announcers. Doesn't it sound so strangely delicious? Oh. Maybe that's cause it's husky. Haha. Or should I say I love you my sunshine? Well I don't know how I should addres her/you here. So let's play it safe: I love thee and I love you. Wait. They're both the same aren't they? Ducky. Why am I rambling?

Hmmm. Yesterday I caught "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I used to think that that book was some longwinded physics treatise on the universe written by a pseudo-Stephen Hawkings. I went to watch it with Jonathan my colleague whom I still feel bad for thinking he was a major dick. Although he is but not in the backstabbing-psycho-toby-kinda-way, more like the fluffy I'm calling him a dick in the lighthearted-funny-sorta-name-calling.

Like how I caught Madagascar the week before with him. And Star Wars Episode III the week before that. Hey, there's some sort of pattern in this...

Oh wait, like my dad my delicious other half (no, not Jonathan) thinks I've got no friends. Which is quite true in the sense that no one really bothers asking me to go out anywhere. And that's not because I'm terribly boring (ok, ok, I seem to be confined to the spaces urban aka Orchard Rd). Or at least I hope the pivotal reason for my lack of asking-outs is not because of my humour. The reason I gather is purely because my own friends have been segregated into two almost mutually exclusive groups that have very very limited access to the world public.

The University Camp and the National Servicing people. One is too busy with exams, work and boyfriends. The other is too busy with well, just making the time to be home or out clubbing. I count my blessings alone. Haha. Okay okay, I know one has to take the initiative to go look up one's friends but hey, I've got one colleague to hang with, poetry to mess with, a game to contend with, cars to subdue and the greatest being ever known to man besides that loving God, the one who drives me crazy with her beau/personality, my addictive girlfriend. What else do I need?

Apparently my humour wasn't so cheery before a certain girl came along. According to some semi-objective sources, the humour I seemed to indulge myself with was dark, sickeningly self-deprecating and terribly depressing. Right.

I asked Joan the other day if my homoura cynical was as poignant as the others had described. She reckons that it doesn't seem that way to her, maybe because she was used to it, being conditioned as she was to my days of black-mooded funny.

Eh? What was the point in this entry again? I think I've lost my focus. Broken dreams and ambitions litter the ground behind me, the sad reflection of the image of new ones and brighter hopes ahead on a yellow brick road. Hmmm.

I think I haven't written in a long time. Or that because of the absence of she who validated my every moment, I am now left with the pile of thoughts I had left unchecked when I closed the door on them? WHOA. I can still ramble on so much. I'm getting a little spooked. Haha.

"Haha." - I've almost never used that in my texting before. It sounded too happy to reflect my speech, like I don't laugh. I always just went like "heh heh heh" or "heh." for short. Never "haha", cause that would mean I was genuinely happy. Too happy for anything if you ask me.

Paranoia is a drug,
ErWiN N@h.